An excercise:Heaven and Hell

Task:   Write down your hell job and your heaven job.  Write as much as you can. 

I'll start with hell; that's easier for me to define. 

Hell job:

• I would be stuck at a machine all day, doing repeitive work (like at Maine Microfilm; gawd that job alone motivated me to go to college).
• I woudl be stuck at a computer all day, doing useless and pointless busiwork that no one reads, no one cares about, doesn't help anyone, and accomplishes nothing towards any goals.
• I would be isolated in a room or cubicle and not have many opportunities to communicate with anyone else.  And/or would be competing with others who are attacking/gossiping/backstabbing each other
• My efforts woudl be undervalued and underappreciated by others.
• people around me woudl be emotional, irrational, selfish, untrustworthy, inefficient, careless, incompetent, unkind, unresourceful, lazy, incapable; and these weaknesses directly affect me and make my job harder.
• i woudl never see any measurable results to show if i was being an effective contributer or not.
• I woudl have serious conflicts between my personal values and the values of the organizaton (or people in the organization) I worked with, more than once, about more than one issue.
• I woudl be asked to work so much that i woudl hardly see my family , but none of that overtime woudl be an act of love; in fact, the OT work woudl not be fun or interesting or even valuable in my eyes, to mitigate the loss of time with my family.
• I woudl not even be paid enough to cover my bills, despite all the hellishness I woudl put up with. 

OK Now My Heaven Job:
I am helping people. I am doing something that makes some small corner of the world a better place for the people who live there.   I am working in a team to resolve an issue, create a solution, or create something valuable to society. 

i spend some time outdoors and some time indoors, some time by myslef to think and some time with others to bounce ideas off.  I am leading this team (or the leader is someone who leads like me).  I am helping others to be better at what they do.  i am advising and guiding and listening and collecting and compiling and  honoring and validating and tweaking.  I am sharing with a greater community. 

I am NOT disciplining becuase everyone around can discipline themsleves and are competent and trustworthy individuals that I can rely on to get things done. In turn, the people I work with also trust me and see me as being a valuable and competent member of the team.  I am cheering, motivating, empathising, consoling, sharing.  i am NOT enforcing rules and values I don't personally agree with.  I believe in what I am doing 100%. 

As i show honor and respect to others, I am in turn respected and my ideas seen as valuable input to the goals of the community.  We are a collaborative, friendly, fun, and hard working team who share a common vision (although we may disagree on the details, and those disagreements are also valuable because they force us to be more critical of our ideas and clear on what we need to do, and not disagreements for the sake of being argumentative and difficult).  We are respectful professionals who know every POV is necessary to creade something better than anything we could have created on our own. 

If I work a lot of hours, it is a pleasure becuase i am so committed to what I am doing and why it is important.  others recognize and appreciate the value in the work I do. I can see the fruits of my labor and i can measure somehow the validity of my work.  And it pays enough to cover the bills and stay out of poverty. 

Anyone know a job like that? 

On teachig virtue.

I'm following a blog of an incredibly intelligent and fantastic parent who mentioned the book "Building Moral Intelligence" and had this to say about it:
 I've had this cause for reflection as I'm reading "Building moral Intelligence".  As the author goes through the desirable virtues: empathy, conscience, self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance, fairness she begins each emphasizing that the best and in fact the only way one could hope one's child will encompass the virtue is to practise it yourself. 

Her point is that she herself often is doing the very things she scolds her kids for, like scolding them for being messy when her own desk is a nightmare, or yelling at them them for losing their pateince and getting out of control as she herself has lost control.  
I hated when I was a kid being told to do or not do something the adults around me did or didn't do themsleves.  But as a parent, I also sometimes find myself telling my son to control his temper although I myslef struggle with this.  Or I tell him not to be rude, or say/do the very things I myself have said/done.

I don't want to be a hypocrite.  I also know i am not perfect and can't be 100% virtuous 100% of the time. And yet i have to call Kai out every time he messes up. Because that's my job, to teach him how to be better than I.  But i know if i don't model the behavior, my words won't stick. 

So recently, I have started a new practice.  When i mess up, i have always felt bad inside, but these days, i am verbalizing that.  I am naming the misbehavior, I am owning it, I am apologizing for it, and i am planning a better strategy for the future.  "I said/did something rude/unkind/selfish/out of control/unfair.  I feel bad about that and I'm sorry.  What should i say/do the next time?"  And I am asking Kai's help.  Although he's only 5, he actually has some great ideas!  (His EQ, at 5, is already waaay higher than mine!)

In the past, I was either too proud to admit out loud that I did anything wrong, or i felt my personal struggles with my unvirtuous moments were mine alone to deal with and not anyone's business. i also think somehow deep down inside i felt if I didn't admit what i was doing was wrong, it would somehow be less wrong, or that other people woudl feel it was less wrong if i didn't admit my guilt.  Which of course goes to show how low my EQ is....It's really been a handicap for me...I deserve special license plates. 

So this is the only way I can avoid being a hypocrite.  By at least being able to model the thought process of an EQ disabled person, I can help my son understand that we are all works in progress.  That I am not simply  expecting more of him than i am able myself, but I am at least working toward a goal.  That we all falter and none of us are perfectly virtuous and we will all mess up.  That  he should not always try to  imitate what I do, but what I do AFTER, and know the difference.

Since I have decreed 2011 is the year of reflection, I have been doing alot of reflecting.  I am so grateful my life circumstances allow for that these days!  Someday I will get the answers I seek, but until then, I will keep on keeping on! 

2010 year in review

well everyone else seems to be doing it, so I guess i will too, if only to remind myslef later on what 2010 really was for me.

In November 2009 ( i have to go back a minute), after several absolutely horrid events where students screamed at me, nearly breaking school property, swearing at me, contacting my supervisors all the way to the very top of the food chain and using profanity to make a sialor blush, i had had it.  I had been holding the fort and keeping the school together while my direct supervisor stabbed me in the back repeatedly and dealing with selfish spoliled hateful unhappy mean little shits for two and a half years.  If I didn't have a family to support, i woudl have quit that day.  Adn i should have because February was absolute hell.

My supervisor, who travels quite a bit, was gone the entire time, as was the housing coordinator as was the registrar as was the secretary.  there were two of us in the office to deal with the two most obnoxious and assinine groups (and assinine group leaders)  that ever visited the school, coupled with their grave (justifiable) anger over the fact one group was seriously undercharged ( my supervisor's fault, who always promises what others cannot deliver) leading to months of crap.  Both of us were on teh edge; had the economy been better, we both would have resigned. 

Day after day the onslaught of insults, screaming, and verbal abuse continued from students technically old enough to be 'adults' but wer far far from mature in their attitude and mannerisms.  i started drinking more, and was getting easily frustrated at my own family for nothing because i was under attack all day long.   I could write for a year on how much I hated my boss and my job, but I'm choosing to let it go. 

My husband graduated from college finally in December (he had been working on a degree for 10 years) and found himslef unemployed because ofthe catastrophic state of the economy of the san francisco bay area, which probably took a harder fall than any other part  of the US, especially in the bloated education field.  he finally got a job at the very same time I accepted a job in Hong Kong, which was an unfortunate coincidence.  Fortunately, it was just a summer job anyway, so thy coudl still have him work the busy summer months at the Children's Museum, probalby his happiest job ever, although minimum wage. Kai and i visited him at his work and had family time in the only place we could, since he only had time off when i was working and visa versa. We all loved it at the BADM, the whole three months he worked there were filled with joy for us (my joy more or less coming from knowing there was a light at the end of my tunnel)

I applied to several jobs. I was offered a job in Chico, but mabo didn't wat to go there.  i was offered a job in the UAE, but mabo didn't want to go there.  I was even offered a job in japan after i accepted the offer in Hong Kong.  that made me feel really good after years of abuse making me feel so helpless and valueless.

my comforts were my neighbors, who were so kind to us and kai and so fantastically grounded.  Also, i was deeply involved as an IEP rep for CA-TESOL and a PTA board member at my son's preschool, which got me out of the house and got me mixing with other people not connected to my hellish work, who were happy with their jobs and happy in their life and i knew I had to get me some of that happiness! 

So the days all blended into each other and time passed.  at some point i told my boss that i was quitting.  they found a replacement for me a few weeks later and we trained together for a month.  I left the job on August 23, packed my things, had alot of garage sales, donated alot to teh salvation army, cashed in my child's college education fund to pay for moving expenses ( i promise i will pay it back, one way or another) and headed to HK. 

September 5th, i started my new life, mabo and Kai got a break from school and work, and after some initial frustrating and unhappy moments where i questioned the wisdom of my move, i have finally settled in and can see the move was actually even wiser than i had beleived at first.  Strangely, HK is teaching me how to appreciate Japan; it's cleanliness, its service, it's friendliness (at least on the surface, whcih is at least a good start, compared to Honkies who don't give a damn about others) and it's creature comforts (like Kotatsu and onsen on a cold day, ice cold mugi cha on hot days, Hokka Hokka Tei, farmers giving you a few extra bananas just because you visit their stand every day, gas and yaki imo and cleaning suppliers coming to you from tiny trucks,  playground music telling the kids to come home for dinner, and green sweet tatami). 

It's been a year of change and emotional turmoil.  But mabo and i have survived, kai has survived, and 2011 promises to be, in so many many ways, a kinder gentler year to us all.  the year of the rabbit: gentle, moderate, calm, easygoing.  just what the doctor ordered!  thank goodness!

Musings and ramblings and a new years resolution

When we have a roadblock in life, which is correct?  Do we try to overcome the problem, which requires time, patience and effort (and money, etc), or do we change ourselves and accept the problem is not a problem at all (which requires effort of a different sort)? 

The river, flowing to the ocean, chooses to flow around the obstacles in its way.  the path of the river is winding, doubling back, twisting and turning in unexpected ways, to avoid the solid earth blocking its path.  Although it always reaches the sea, it often ends up in a very different place than it would have had it taken a straight line from the mountain. or perhaps it joins with another river first and together the two are strong enough to reach the sea.

The leaf flies in the wind, going anywhere the wind takes it, with no direction in life but to enjoy the adventure in the sky. When it meets an obstacle, it simply waits for the wind to pick it up and move it elsewhere.

The salmon determinedly swims upriver, leaps over stones and waterfalls, battles bears and other predators, to reach its goals.  No obstacle is too great.

Humankind has a belief that they have a purpose in life, a destiny.  They may not know what it is, but they know they have a path to take.  Sometimes when the path gets too hard, they take another path. Sometimes the obstacles are the way of the Universe telling them they have wandered onto the wrong path. or sometimes they are afraid of the obstacle or lazy and simply don't make the necessary effort to continue the Hero's Quest.

 Or they jackhammer through, leap over, and fling themselves into the obstacle determined to follow their path.  Only to find another obstacle behind it.  And another.  At what point do we decide an obstacle is part of the quest and when it is divine intervention protecting us from our own foolish selves? 


Ever since I learned that Paulo Coehlo is a blogger, I have been an avid reader and commenter on his blog posts.  he inspires me in a way no one else ever has. 

Today he told us a story of his wife's new kitchen design.  When the materials were delivered, one brick was missing.The contractor decided to redesign the kitchen to accommodate the missing piece and the result was catastrophically ugly. they had the choice: order another brick and wait for its arrival to begin construction, or go with the new design and get started right away?  the wife ordered the brick. 

In the comments, a woman asked:

Do you think not receiving the brick is a sign were not suppose to have it? And we should re-arrange our plans? Or should we stick to what we want and get it? How do we know which is right??

• jessica
  

  Lisa, i struggle with this too. How do you know when a roadblock is part of the Quest and when it is a sign you’re not going the right way? often, when i see a closed door, I open a window just to find I’m four stories up and no ladder in sight, so i build a ladder out of sheets only to find I didn’t have enough so i look for another way and in the meantime everyone else is wondering where the hell I am. Sometimes I jackhammer through life’s roadblocks and other times I give up and take it as a sign to find another way. Does that mean i have a different life and destiny now than if I had done or not done something? probably. Or not. Life is about the journey, not the destination, so whether you get a new brick or change your design, you have to just decide and be at peace with that.

Often, when i come to a road block in life, my first instinct is to just figure out a way to overcome it so I can continue along my way.  This amazes my husband, who is more like a leaf in the wind, fluttering wherever the wind blows him.  This amazes me, who can't imagine going through life without purpose and meaning and just taking the path of least resistance all the time. 

And yet, there are times when roadblock after roadblock prevents me from getting very far. 

When i was 20 something, I was considering moving to Australia, a country i feel in love with during a brief visit years ago.  I don't remember all the details, but obtaining a work visa to go there involved roadblock after roadblock after roadblock, and after months of strife and struggle, trying to get everything accomplished, I ended up with a missing brick.  To get the brick, i would have had to jump through a ridiculous number of hoops.  before I could get what i wanted and even THEN there was no guarantee i would get a working visa.  So i gave up and applied to grad school in the US, and everything surrounding grad school came easily and quickly.  So perhaps i wasn't meant to go to Australia.  or perhaps had i gone to Australia, my life would have changed in a very significant way.  maybe i would have had incredibly happy things happen to me.
And yet, right now, i am still happy, even though I am not there and i have basically given up on going there, since I am officially too old to get a work visa these days.

I still am trying to self improve and i still have many flaws and defects, and i still have questions about who i really am and what I really want out of life.  Would that be different in Australia? probably not. 

What i am trying to say is that regardless what direction you go in life, you are going to be the same person and end up at the same destination, death.  What matters is when you are 85, will you regret what you didn't do, or rejoice in what you did do? 

Right now i am at a crossroads. i purposely put myself at this junction because i knew the path i was walking was not the right one and I needed time to sort out which direction to go. there are about a dozen paths before me, each leading off to a distant horizon, the end of which i cannot see. Perhaps some will cross each other later on, and at that point I can make another choice, but some will take me in a direction far from the others.  the long term consequences for my family must also be factored in, and the number of options astound me; this frightens me as much as it thrills me. 

Which path is correct?  Some paths will require some jackhammering through blockades to get to, or may cause myself or others pain and suffering; are they worth it, or are these false paths i shouldn't consider? 

I have allowed myself a whole year to contemplate this and other things.  I have bought a notebook to write down my contemplations even when i am on the bus or train.  I am not, at this point, even trying to force the direction of my thoughts.  I am not censoring them, denying them, or arguing with myself.  I don't even care if they make a coherent narrative. I am just recording them, so that when the moment comes when my heart speaks the truth of who I am and what is my destiny, I can accept it, make an important life decision,  and be at peace. 

this is my single new year's resolution: by the end of 2011, I will know my heart and listen to the truth;  I will decide my direction in life, and have a plan how to achieve my true dream. 


In 2012 I will make a final decision about my path.  And once i strike out, i will not look back and wonder or regret another path not chosen.