Yesterday was Mother's Day. The therapist asked me to write you a letter for Mother's Day, identifying and showing gratitude for everything you did for me. I didn't have time the past two days, but I'm sure you don't mind....after all, It's still Mother's Day in the US for another couple of hours at least.
So here it goes, Mom, the letter I'm sure you had always hoped for, but never got.
Thank you for loving me. You were not a touchy-feely person, but you knew I needed physical touch, and you tried as hard as you could to let me hug you and sit next to you and put my head in your lap and snuggle in bed with you, even though I know you hated it and would rather had had more personal space. I always felt bad that you hated being touched so much, but I've learned that some people just don't need or want to be touched, they get easily "touched out" and I think you often went against your own feelings to go along with my desires to be physically close.
Thank you for all your words of affirmation. Every day you told me I was smart, brave, hard working, beautiful, capable, college bound. When I was in high school I was perplexed when people would ask IF I was going to college. It hadn't even occurred to me I had a choice in the matter. Your daily affirmations that I would go and I would be successful is probably a big part of the reason I never doubted I would be successful, I never doubted I was capable.
Thank you for modeling hard work. You worked all day, came home, and worked all night. Sometimes you had two jobs. When no one would hire you full time, you joined a temp agency and accepted every job that came your way. Sometimes you didn't work, but you still pounded the pavement every day looking for work. When you got sick, you didn't roll over and die, you fought back again and again, and every time a doctor said you have just 24 hours to live, you just kept on living and living. Again and again you passed people's expectations of you.
If people had had higher expectations, imagine how successful you could have been. It's such a shame your parents thought so little of you. Thank you for raising the bar for me and expecting much more. Yet you never were pushy or domineering or obnoxious. Just gentle whispers, gentle nudges, gentle reminders that I'm worth you making the effort, and with a little effort, I could go so much further in life than you did. And of course, mothers are always right!
Thank you for loving me despite how hard I made it to be loved. I was so unhappy, so angry at the world, so aggressive, and I dumped all that on you and blamed you and demanded you do something about it, but in reality you had almost no support of your own. You had no partner, no friends, no money, no time off, no breaks, and very little help from me. As a parent, I can't understand how you survived alone all those years. I have a comfortable salary, a husband, a maid, and i STILL feel I need a break from my kids, as much as I love them. You never took a day off, never took a trip, never walked away, never went on a date or went to the pub or participated in any social event. You came home every night to take care of me.
Thank you for cooking every meal, washing every dish, washing the clothes, despite being so depressed you didn't want to get out of bed most days. At the time, I assumed this is what all mothers did, and maybe they do, but you didn't have to do these things. When I was depressed, I couldn't be bothered. I'm amazed how well you actually functioned as physically and emotionally broken as you were.
Thank you for your dedication to my education. You read to me every day until I was able to read on my own. You might have said "No" to a toy or game, but you always said "Yes" if I asked for a book. I had hundreds of books, three bookshelves of books, thanks to you. You drilled me on spelling so I could get a "100" on the tests. You spent hours and hours reviewing math facts flashcards until I was in 5th? 6th grade? If I couldn't answer a review question in science or social studies, you read my textbook and tried to figure out the answer too and explain it to me, even though in the upper grades it was too hard for you too. So I stopped asking for help by high school so I didn't embarrass you, but I know if I had asked, you would have done your darndest to help.
Thank you for being my advocate. There are so many times you went to bat for me. I remember how I hated 8th grade. The teachers were assholes. They made fun of me in my presence, and behind my back (but my classmates were happy to report back to me what they said about me when I wasn't there.) When they met you, they made fun of you too. I hated them with a passion and failed all my classes. You took time off work to meet them and try to figure out how to help me, and decided they were jerks and tried to request to move me to another team, but they were 10 and you were one and you have never been good in the battlefield. But thank you for trying, and thank you for believing me and my point of view. I also remember the time I got in trouble in high school for something I didn't do and you got my "sentence" of a week of detentions reduced to just that first day. Thank you for standing up and speaking out, when that was against your nature and speaking up was the last thing that came naturally for you.
Thank you for not giving up on me. I was a very difficult child. I had a bad temper, I was moody, I was full of anger, hated the whole world and everyone in it, even as young as 5 or 6. I was not one of those cheerful giggly sweet carefree funny girls. I was mad at you, mad at my father, my grandparents, my bullies, my classmates, my cousins, my neighbors, everyone pissed me off. I was a walking, talking, ball of rage and resentment and you dealt with that with patience and love for 20 years. Many times you said you were going to give me up to child protection, and I'm sure you wanted to. That would have meant freedom for you. Everything in your life would have been better off without me. Yet you never threw in the towel. My 8 year old is also a bit moody and temperamental, without all the hostility and rage I had, and he still drives me nuts. I can't imagine dealing with me 24/7, especially without any relief.
Thank you for being my friend. I didn't have many of those. I think that parents shouldn't be their children's friend while they are children. Friends know things that children should not know. But I certainly needed a friend many times and you stepped in and filled that role, even though you were already the cook, the maid, the disciplinarian, the tutor, the breadwinner, the handyman, the coach, the chauffeur, the nurse, the mother, and the father. But I needed a friend, so you took that role too.
Thank you for being my shield. Many times you stood between me and my grandparents, sometimes physically, and protected me from their attacks. Or protect them from mine? That must have been incredibly hard. You depended on them for financial and emotional support, and they were all you really had. They fed us, clothed us, shoed us, provided warmth when we had no heat, a shower when we had no water, a place to wash clothes for free. But they were mean and hateful and felt we deserved to be abused because they took care of us. I hated them for their spite and malice, and they hated me for my ingratitude, and we were like fire and oil. You needed them, you loved me, but I had a temper and they were mean nasty bat shit crazy assholes, and holding us all together so that we could live in relative peace most of the time must have been the greatest challenge of your life.
Thank you for living. Thank you for getting out of bed each day to work when I know that was the last thing you wanted to do. You hated your life, you were so depressed, and all you wanted to do was die. I didn't understand how you felt or what you meant until I had postpartum depression myself and truly experienced how dark and horrid depression really is. When you got sick and the hospital offered you a "do not resuscitate" wrist band, you must have felt this was your "get out of jail free" card. You must have been thrilled. But you changed your mind when Uncle Ray and I flipped out, because you just couldn't leave me so easily. Even though you really really wanted to. Several times, you could have died, should have died, doctor's couldn't believe you didn't die, but you bounced back because you couldn't leave me. Everything you did was for me. You didn't go until I got married. It was so important to you that I not be left alone. Your whole life, even your death, was devoted to what was best for me, as much as you could. I can't imagine another person devoting their whole existence for one single person like you did.
Mom, I know if you had had more resources, you would have done so much more. I can't imagine how I would deal if I had as little as you had. I appreciate what you did and how hard you tried.
I know you will never read this. I wish there was a phone in heaven so I could call you and read this to you. I'm sorry I never told you how I appreciated your many sacrifices. I don't think there are many people in the world who would care for their child as devotedly as you did if their life was so difficult, they had so few resources, and their child was as hard to raise as I was. I'm sure you died so young partially because of the stress I gave you, and I'm so sorry I did that to you when you have always been so good to me. I love and miss you very much. I know you would have been the best grandmother ever.
Happy mother's day. I hope you are so happy and full of joy now. You deserve it.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Fanling....the Land of Organic Milk and Honey
Today we went to Fanling to visit Hong Ning Diary, a small organic dairy farm.
I had heard it was the only dairy farm in HK that was certified organic, but it is so small they don't deliver to grocery stores. there are two ways to get this milk: either order it through one of their vendors, or if you are lucky, you may live somewhere they will deliver to your door every day, like the old times when the milk man came to your door every morning. It's a bit expensive, but I really want my daughter (who turned one year old yesterday) to have the best milk to drink during this critical growth period. Since they let people come to the farm as a tourist attraction, I thought it would be interesting for my kids to actually experience the process of how milk is collected, and such. Plus, Fanling is just a couple train stops away from us.
Today was a wet drizzly cold Sunday, and even though we were warned on the internet that Sundays are best to be avoided due to crowds, we found ourselves the only ones there today. On the internet, it says the tickets per person were $18, but when we arrived, they tried to charge us $30, saying the $18 dollar price is just for people who book online. After arguing that it doesn't say that anywhere online or in writing at the farm, they agreed to let us all in for $60. There is supposed to be a guided tour where they explain the process of how milk is collected and bottled, but we were not given the tour for some reason, just a bunch of grass to feed the cows.
I know on farms in Maine and Vermont and California, all the cows I ever saw had at least a paddy where they can go out and eat grass, and in CA they are often seen roaming the hillside. A California hill without a bunch of cows hanging out is a rare sight indeed. So in my mind these Fanling cows would be frolicking in the field eating clover and whatever else I imagined cows would like to eat.
Sadly, HK cows live much like HK people: surrounded by concrete walls and concrete floors. Remarkably clean concrete floors ( I can't imagine how often they must muck out the stalls to keep them so clean), but still hard on the hooves. The grass they eat is mowed by the farmers and brought to the cows daily. They never walk on it. But their manure is used to fertilize it, according to the web site. Seems like a lot of work fertilizing and cutting the grass and schlepping it all over creation and mucking out stalls could be avoided if they just let the cows hang out in the field, but what do I know?
We were given lots of free samples. They said when you are there, you can feel free to drink as much milk as you can. Well, I hate milk. I have had to drink it from time to time and I usually want to puke, I hate it so much. But I LOVED this milk! It tasted great! Mabo loved it too, and so did Kiara. Kai was weary of trying the milk because he doesn't tolerate it so well, so he missed out. I had several samples and bought a bottle for the road too.
Besides milk, they also keep bees and make an absolutely fantastic organic honey too. We bought two containers of honey and a bottle of milk and set out on our way home.
Unfortunately, I learned that they don't deliver to my area, but I could order a supply from a vendor in the wet market my helper goes every couple of days. I went to the vendor later in the afternoon and set up an order of 12 bottles a week. If I return the bottles, I will get a $1 discount for every bottle I return.
Lucky Kiara. She probably is going to be drinking the very freshest and most wholesome organic milk in all of Hong Kong. I'm thankful I found out about this place, and thankful I can provide something this high quality for her even in Hong Kong.
For those of you who are interested, here is the link to Hong Ning: http://www.hongningdairy.com
Monday, August 20, 2012
Back to HK
We just got back from a three week stint in the US. As usual, we had several adventures getting there and back. First there was a huge typhoon the day we left which caused our flights to be delayed. We ended up missing our connection as a result and had to stay overnight in Paris. Air France paid for our hotel room, and gave us food vouchers for dinner, breakfast and lunch the next day. We ate so many croissants and pain au chocolates at breakfast we could hardly waddle to the plane, much less eat lunch.
French bread is ever so much yummier in France! I swear this is true!
Good thing we missed our connection, because Evil Immigration Officer kept us in immigration limbo for several hours the next day in Boston because of a simple and easily correctable mistake. Nice Immigration Officer sorted us out and soothed our fears because Evil Immigration Officer acted like we were hardened criminals and threatened to never let us into the US ever again (he was full of it, the Nice Immigration Officer basically told us). Had we made our connection, we would have been over 30 hours in transit without a rest.
While in Maine we ate 
(I had a little while Mabo had them every day)
(I had a little while Mabo had them every day)
and played in the grass among evergreen trees. 
Mabo went fishing nearly every day and caught more fish than he's had in the past several years combined, so he was happy. Kai never once ate a vegetable. He basically ate chicken nuggets every single day. For me, I was happy reconnecting with friends and family. I got to see nearly all my cousins and even managed a trip to L/A (the Maine L/A) to "visit" my mom and bring her some flowers. next to my Mom is buried an uncle of mine who died during WWII. Kai wanted to know why he had a special marker on his grave and I explained how he had helped fight for his country and those people get a special marker. Kai had insisted earlier that I buy him a little US flag. When I told him abut my great uncle, he decided to give his flag to him and stuck it in the ground nearby. I figured Uncle Marcel wouldn't mind.
I loved meeting up with old friends and family, but the real event was saved for the end of the trip. That was when i reunited with my father's family, whom I hadn't seen in over 20 years and hadn't met more than twice in my whole life. After 35 years of being rather disinterested in me, they wanted to get together with my husband and kids for a family reunion of sorts. A recent family death made the timing spectacularly poor, but despite that, we had a great time and I realized they are really great people to know. We had our pictures taken with my grandmother who is 88 but acts and looks like 58. I hope they will all be around the next time I go to Maine and that we can have another gathering. At 88, who knows how many more gatherings there may be?
It's possible that was the last time I'll ever see my grandmother. I'm so so so thrilled my kids could meet her at least once.
Coming back from the US, we had a 12 hour layover in Paris, so we took the chance to do the one thing I never did when I was there years ago: go to the Louvre. One day simply isn't enough. Even taking a whirlwind tour of the museum, we didn't see everything there was to see and there wasn't enough time to really look at anything in depth or do sketches or anything. After the Louvre closed, we had dinner at a creperie and had gallettes with cidre, something I have been wanting to have for years and years. It reminded me of the many times I had gallettes and cidre with friends while I lived in Rennes. Ah those were the carefree days! Happily, all my French came back to me and I was totally able to get around and do everything I needed to do in French. I told my husband he could be in charge of learning Asian languages and I would learn the European ones. It's so much easier that way!
Back in Hong kong, still in one piece, and trying to get over jet lag now. I went to work this morning and was told all I had to do was show my face and chat a bit and then I could go back home for a week before the real work began. So I have an extra unanticipated week off! What to do, what to do? Time for a trip to Thailand? Hmmm......Maybe I should be checking last minute bargain flights instead of blogging! :-)
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Happy happy joy joy
It's been three months since I last updated the blog! I knew this would happen...I'm hopeless at journaling. But I've kept it up off and on for two years, which is a big deal for me.
it's not that nothing has been going on....Kai started first grade in his new school and loves it. Kiara is doing all kinds of fun things like trying to stand, laughing, and trying all kinds of foods like spinach, pumpkin, and oatmeal. We moved to a village house and are in the midst of an ongoing drama with the Internet company who refuses to connect us, forcing us to live in a primeval cave-like state devoid of TV, cable, Internet, and other things that separates man from beast. On the plus side, the village sits on a mountain that is protected from development by being a state park, and there is a gorgeous and clean stream where we can swim under a canopy of lush green trees and other flora with butterflies dancing all around. It's like swimming in a fairy tale picture.
I told my school i would not re-sign a contract with them, and hoofed it all over Hong Kong trying to find a new job, terrified that I wouldn't get a job and I'd be homeless. Then I found a job at a school on the same street as my new flat (joy joy...no more 90 minute commutes each way for me next year!) and now I am in the process of getting my paperwork together to get a new work visa for myself and dependant visas for the fam. I am totally excited that my job duties will be very different from my current one, and it seems like the perfect match to my skills and abilities.
We also hired a helper from the Philippines to live with us and do all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and baby care so all i have to do when I get home is play with the kids, eat, and sleep. I can even have a date night with my husband, which we had done all of twice in the 6 years since we had Kai. Our marriage is 1000% better these days because we no longer have to fight about money or who is doing more house chores and who's being a slob etc. We have enough to pay the bills and some left over to get help to do the things we don't like to do and so we can relax and enjoy life and have a sparkling clean home, yummy healthy meals, and happy kids.
And I'm really excited that, thanks to the contract clause that pays for airplane tickets every two years for the whole family, I can afford to go back to the US to visit friends and family next month! We've already been invited to three birthday parties, so Mabo and I are hoofing it all over Hong Kong to find a shop that sells these cool bamboo toys we saw at a Toy Expo last year in HK that we are dying to give to the kids.
Wow, thinking back, more changes have taken place in the past three months than in the past two years combined! I had a time like that in 2004 when about a million life changes happened in the period of a few months: I got married, i attended two major funerals and dealt with end of life issues, I left my job, I moved, I started grad school, just to name a few. When it rains, it pours for me.
But the changes in 2012 have all been really positive ones and I'm happier than I think I've ever been.
Thank you Hong Kong. For all your flaws, you certainly do have some good points.
it's not that nothing has been going on....Kai started first grade in his new school and loves it. Kiara is doing all kinds of fun things like trying to stand, laughing, and trying all kinds of foods like spinach, pumpkin, and oatmeal. We moved to a village house and are in the midst of an ongoing drama with the Internet company who refuses to connect us, forcing us to live in a primeval cave-like state devoid of TV, cable, Internet, and other things that separates man from beast. On the plus side, the village sits on a mountain that is protected from development by being a state park, and there is a gorgeous and clean stream where we can swim under a canopy of lush green trees and other flora with butterflies dancing all around. It's like swimming in a fairy tale picture.
I told my school i would not re-sign a contract with them, and hoofed it all over Hong Kong trying to find a new job, terrified that I wouldn't get a job and I'd be homeless. Then I found a job at a school on the same street as my new flat (joy joy...no more 90 minute commutes each way for me next year!) and now I am in the process of getting my paperwork together to get a new work visa for myself and dependant visas for the fam. I am totally excited that my job duties will be very different from my current one, and it seems like the perfect match to my skills and abilities.
We also hired a helper from the Philippines to live with us and do all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and baby care so all i have to do when I get home is play with the kids, eat, and sleep. I can even have a date night with my husband, which we had done all of twice in the 6 years since we had Kai. Our marriage is 1000% better these days because we no longer have to fight about money or who is doing more house chores and who's being a slob etc. We have enough to pay the bills and some left over to get help to do the things we don't like to do and so we can relax and enjoy life and have a sparkling clean home, yummy healthy meals, and happy kids.
And I'm really excited that, thanks to the contract clause that pays for airplane tickets every two years for the whole family, I can afford to go back to the US to visit friends and family next month! We've already been invited to three birthday parties, so Mabo and I are hoofing it all over Hong Kong to find a shop that sells these cool bamboo toys we saw at a Toy Expo last year in HK that we are dying to give to the kids.
Wow, thinking back, more changes have taken place in the past three months than in the past two years combined! I had a time like that in 2004 when about a million life changes happened in the period of a few months: I got married, i attended two major funerals and dealt with end of life issues, I left my job, I moved, I started grad school, just to name a few. When it rains, it pours for me.
But the changes in 2012 have all been really positive ones and I'm happier than I think I've ever been.
Thank you Hong Kong. For all your flaws, you certainly do have some good points.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
We Must Rock You
I have always enjoyed taking well loved songs and changing the lyrics. (No one can forget my teenage tribute to Paul Simon with "The Sound of Toilets")
Imagine my surprise and joy to find my son also finds this a fun and entertaining thing to do, and we have made up our own lyrics for several songs.
For example, the other day, Kai decided he didn't like the lyrics to the second verse of "You are my Sunshine" because they are too sad. So he made up his own song that was much happier:
The other night, dear,
As i lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
And when i woke, dear,
it was true
So I laughed and snuggled and smiled.
Kai has been writing an "Ode to Kiara" with piano accompaniment for a few months(this sounds much fancier than saying he's been banging on piano keys in a slightly musical way while singing "Kiara").
While the ending to this Ode is still percolating, he came up with an ingenious tribute to Queen with lyrics he and I came up with together. we've been singing this song for a while now. the second verse I came up with myself, but Kai and i came up with the first verse 50/50.
So, all due apologies to Queen, here's the Kuwata top 10 hit: We Will Rock You/We are the Parents:
Baby you're a girl
With a big curl
sucking on your thumb
gunna be a wo-man some day
you've got milk on your face
you big disgrace
kicking your poo all over the place
Singing: we must, we must rock you!
We must we must rock you!
We must we must rock you!
We've changed your diapers
Time after time
We're doing a sentence
But have committed no crime
And some mistakes
We've made a few
We've had our share of milk squirted in our face
But we've come through!
We are the parents my friends
And we'll never sleep right again
we are the parents
we are the parents
no time for hobbies
'cause we are the parents
of 2 kids!
Imagine my surprise and joy to find my son also finds this a fun and entertaining thing to do, and we have made up our own lyrics for several songs.
For example, the other day, Kai decided he didn't like the lyrics to the second verse of "You are my Sunshine" because they are too sad. So he made up his own song that was much happier:
The other night, dear,
As i lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
And when i woke, dear,
it was true
So I laughed and snuggled and smiled.
Kai has been writing an "Ode to Kiara" with piano accompaniment for a few months(this sounds much fancier than saying he's been banging on piano keys in a slightly musical way while singing "Kiara").
While the ending to this Ode is still percolating, he came up with an ingenious tribute to Queen with lyrics he and I came up with together. we've been singing this song for a while now. the second verse I came up with myself, but Kai and i came up with the first verse 50/50.
So, all due apologies to Queen, here's the Kuwata top 10 hit: We Will Rock You/We are the Parents:
Baby you're a girl
With a big curl
sucking on your thumb
gunna be a wo-man some day
you've got milk on your face
you big disgrace
kicking your poo all over the place
Singing: we must, we must rock you!
We must we must rock you!
We must we must rock you!
We've changed your diapers
Time after time
We're doing a sentence
But have committed no crime
And some mistakes
We've made a few
We've had our share of milk squirted in our face
But we've come through!
We are the parents my friends
And we'll never sleep right again
we are the parents
we are the parents
no time for hobbies
'cause we are the parents
of 2 kids!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Birth Story #2
last year, i talked about the birth of my son, who is going to be 6 in two weeks:
http://trottingteacher.blogspot.com/2010/11/confession-my-birth-expereince-and.html
I said I would never give birth in a hospital ever again. One year later, I have a new birth story to share: the birth of my daughter, who ironically was born in a hospital.
Some elements of the story are the same. Both babies were induced because the doctors were worried about their health in the womb. I had very little amniotic fluid, which seems to be a big sign of trouble. My daughter also had a skipping/weak heart beat and hadn't grown between week 37 and 38. Additionally, I had lost 20 kilos and was continuing to loose weight even in that final week, so at 38 weeks, they pulled the plug on the pregnancy thing. The thing is, my daughter, at 38 weeks, weighted almost the same as my son at 42 weeks. It's possible my son also stopped growing at 38 weeks but just no one noticed.
Both times copious amounts of drugs were used to stimulate the body and get it into labor. Pictocin in the US and Syntocin in HK but basically the same thing. Both times my cervix refused to completely open. For my son, it opened almost enough so that the doctor could open me by hand for a vaginal birth. But with my DD, my cervix hardly opened at all, even after 15 hours of drugs and contractions.
One difference: I learned that being strapped to the bed was the thing that forced me to ask for pain meds last time, more than the contractions themselves. This time, despite being a major pain in the nurses ass, I insisted that i get up and move around the bed, change positions, do what I needed to do to relieve the sore feeling in my body when i stayed too long in a position. I breathed through contractions and listened to a Calmbirth CD that helped me experience the contractions as waves of energy, and refused to call them pains. I even asked the nurses not to call it "pain" but "waves" so i wouldn't get out of my mentality. I didn't need a single drug for the labor and didn't even experience them as being particularly painful. The nurses were surprised, because I was being monitored and the waves were quite strong, but I was just sitting up and breathing calmly with my eyes closed and being very Zen about it all...they kept asking me if I needed pain medication, but I insisted the waves were just fine thank you and no medication was necessary. When I started to feel uncomfortable, I stood up and did a bit of a dance to rotate the hips sockets and flex the spine and get relief. It was truly awesome and exactly why I took the Calmbirth class in the first place. No screaming, moaning, groaning, or crying for drugs for me! That hypnosis stuff really works...but you have to put lots of mental energy into it. I listened to that CD every single night in my waking and sleeping for 3 months prior, to properly seed my subconscious.
However, the cervix not opening was a problem and after 24 hours of being on labor inducing drugs with little effect on the cervix, I was getting a bit weak, as I had not eaten or drunk anything in that 24 hour period and i was tired and since they had broken my waters in an effort to get things going 12 hours earlier, they were on the clock to get her out before the waters broke. I had 2 options: keep going another 3 hours (their limit) and if nothing happened, get a cesarean, or allow them to do the cesarean right then and there. Since I was only 2 cm dilated and the chances of going from 2 to 10 in three hours seemed slim to us at that point, I agreed to let them cut me open.
Kiara was born on Dec 1st, 2011, at 9:29 am and weighed 3.03 kilos. She was pretty mad about being taken from her warm home, and since then, being cold is just about the only time she really exercises her lungs. An hour or two later, she made her first breastfeeding attempt, and we cuddled in the recovery room. After that, she slept for about 3 weeks. During this time, nothing and no one could wake her up or get her to eat, by breast, cup, or spoon. She lost tons of weight, which made her even sleepier.
After my son's 6 months of constant screaming, I had wished for a sleeping baby, but I never realized how I would regret that wish! One wonderful thing about it though was I had three weeks to get rest and relax and recover. And when she did wake up, we sorted out our issues with feeding and breastfeeding within two weeks. Now she is feeding like a champion, gaining lots of weight, off formula, off the SNS feeder, off the nipple shield, and pumping has been reduced from 15-20 times a day (yes, due to milk issues I was pumping 20 times a day the first two weeks) to about 3 times a day.
She hardly ever cries. Usually only when she is cold. Unlike with my son, I fell in love with her right away. And the happiest thing I can say is no PPD! I read that 50% of mothers who get PPD get it again with subsequent babies. So far, so good for me!
My son LOVES his sister and has been very active in her care. He has changed a diaper, fed her a bottle, burped her, bathes with her, and asks to hold her every day. He lavishes kisses and hugs and is always as gentle and careful as can be. IN turn, she has graced only him with her smiles. She clearly adores him and he adores her. I'm so thankful I have such a wonderful son and wonderful daughter. They both fill my life with light and joy. I hope they fill each other's life with joy as well. having a sibling to relate with and share memories with when parents pass away is such a gift. Sure kids bicker and don't see eye to eye on everything; but when the chips are down, they will have each other and that is a wonderful gift.
All in all, this experience has been far superior, and very healing for me. I'm so glad I have this precious being in my life and so glad my son thinks she is as wonderful as I do. Kiara, my little sunshine.
http://trottingteacher.blogspot.com/2010/11/confession-my-birth-expereince-and.html
I said I would never give birth in a hospital ever again. One year later, I have a new birth story to share: the birth of my daughter, who ironically was born in a hospital.
Some elements of the story are the same. Both babies were induced because the doctors were worried about their health in the womb. I had very little amniotic fluid, which seems to be a big sign of trouble. My daughter also had a skipping/weak heart beat and hadn't grown between week 37 and 38. Additionally, I had lost 20 kilos and was continuing to loose weight even in that final week, so at 38 weeks, they pulled the plug on the pregnancy thing. The thing is, my daughter, at 38 weeks, weighted almost the same as my son at 42 weeks. It's possible my son also stopped growing at 38 weeks but just no one noticed.
Both times copious amounts of drugs were used to stimulate the body and get it into labor. Pictocin in the US and Syntocin in HK but basically the same thing. Both times my cervix refused to completely open. For my son, it opened almost enough so that the doctor could open me by hand for a vaginal birth. But with my DD, my cervix hardly opened at all, even after 15 hours of drugs and contractions.
One difference: I learned that being strapped to the bed was the thing that forced me to ask for pain meds last time, more than the contractions themselves. This time, despite being a major pain in the nurses ass, I insisted that i get up and move around the bed, change positions, do what I needed to do to relieve the sore feeling in my body when i stayed too long in a position. I breathed through contractions and listened to a Calmbirth CD that helped me experience the contractions as waves of energy, and refused to call them pains. I even asked the nurses not to call it "pain" but "waves" so i wouldn't get out of my mentality. I didn't need a single drug for the labor and didn't even experience them as being particularly painful. The nurses were surprised, because I was being monitored and the waves were quite strong, but I was just sitting up and breathing calmly with my eyes closed and being very Zen about it all...they kept asking me if I needed pain medication, but I insisted the waves were just fine thank you and no medication was necessary. When I started to feel uncomfortable, I stood up and did a bit of a dance to rotate the hips sockets and flex the spine and get relief. It was truly awesome and exactly why I took the Calmbirth class in the first place. No screaming, moaning, groaning, or crying for drugs for me! That hypnosis stuff really works...but you have to put lots of mental energy into it. I listened to that CD every single night in my waking and sleeping for 3 months prior, to properly seed my subconscious.
However, the cervix not opening was a problem and after 24 hours of being on labor inducing drugs with little effect on the cervix, I was getting a bit weak, as I had not eaten or drunk anything in that 24 hour period and i was tired and since they had broken my waters in an effort to get things going 12 hours earlier, they were on the clock to get her out before the waters broke. I had 2 options: keep going another 3 hours (their limit) and if nothing happened, get a cesarean, or allow them to do the cesarean right then and there. Since I was only 2 cm dilated and the chances of going from 2 to 10 in three hours seemed slim to us at that point, I agreed to let them cut me open.
Kiara was born on Dec 1st, 2011, at 9:29 am and weighed 3.03 kilos. She was pretty mad about being taken from her warm home, and since then, being cold is just about the only time she really exercises her lungs. An hour or two later, she made her first breastfeeding attempt, and we cuddled in the recovery room. After that, she slept for about 3 weeks. During this time, nothing and no one could wake her up or get her to eat, by breast, cup, or spoon. She lost tons of weight, which made her even sleepier.
After my son's 6 months of constant screaming, I had wished for a sleeping baby, but I never realized how I would regret that wish! One wonderful thing about it though was I had three weeks to get rest and relax and recover. And when she did wake up, we sorted out our issues with feeding and breastfeeding within two weeks. Now she is feeding like a champion, gaining lots of weight, off formula, off the SNS feeder, off the nipple shield, and pumping has been reduced from 15-20 times a day (yes, due to milk issues I was pumping 20 times a day the first two weeks) to about 3 times a day.
She hardly ever cries. Usually only when she is cold. Unlike with my son, I fell in love with her right away. And the happiest thing I can say is no PPD! I read that 50% of mothers who get PPD get it again with subsequent babies. So far, so good for me!
My son LOVES his sister and has been very active in her care. He has changed a diaper, fed her a bottle, burped her, bathes with her, and asks to hold her every day. He lavishes kisses and hugs and is always as gentle and careful as can be. IN turn, she has graced only him with her smiles. She clearly adores him and he adores her. I'm so thankful I have such a wonderful son and wonderful daughter. They both fill my life with light and joy. I hope they fill each other's life with joy as well. having a sibling to relate with and share memories with when parents pass away is such a gift. Sure kids bicker and don't see eye to eye on everything; but when the chips are down, they will have each other and that is a wonderful gift.
All in all, this experience has been far superior, and very healing for me. I'm so glad I have this precious being in my life and so glad my son thinks she is as wonderful as I do. Kiara, my little sunshine.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A tale of two hospitals
It's been an interesting ride these past few days as I get to know my sweet daughter, and in my free time I've been thinking about the ways my care at Tuen Mun Hospital was better, worse, or the same as when I delivered my son in the US. It's hard, actually, to say which experience was better overall.
Doctors:
US: in the US I had one doctor, Dr. Keith. he respected all my wishes and whenever there was a conflict between me and the evil nurses, he always had my back. He made all the right choices, medically speaking, and helped me safely deliver my son.
HK: During the time I was at TMH, a team of five doctors consulted with each other and me about my "case". One doctor should have her license removed and be banned from medical practice. The other four ranged from very good to phenomenal. Once I realized many of my problems came from the one, I asked her to remove herself from my case and I never saw her again, which greatly improved my quality of care and peace of mind.
Nurses:
US: I disliked every single one of the nurses at CHOMP. They were rude, mean, aggressive, and sometimes downright nasty to me. No one was anything like your image of the nurturing and kind nurse.
HK: (there are three sections: ante natal, delivery, and post natal, and there are specific nurses assigned to each section) Some nurses in the post natal ward clearly didn't like me and there was some racism going on. Other nurses were simply too overworked to be anything but as efficient as possible, meaning they were abrupt, but not purposely trying to be rude. Some of the nurses, though, were simply wonderful. All the nurses in the delivery ward were amazing. I loved loved loved them all.
In both the US and HK, I found some staff to be on some kind of power trip, but this was a bigger issue for me in HK because my cesarean made me far more helpless and in need of care than my regular delivery in the US. For example, there was one nurse in particular who really enjoyed the power she had to deny my repeated requests to go to the bathroom. After a day and a half of begging to be able to relieve myself, either by bedpan or in the toilet, I finally got so angry at her and her inhumane refusal to allow me to meet a basic human need of elimination, I tore off my IV and my leg massager, pushed my bed away from the wall and threw myself off the bed to get to the restroom. Naturally, this caused quite a stir.
After relieving myself and the adrenaline of my temper tantrum wore off, I realized I was in considerable pain in multiple places and bleeding rather badly. However, I proved I was no longer immobile and the catheter, massager, and IV were taken away so i could get up and down myself the rest of the time.
Service and mother care:
In the US, after delivery, my son was bottle fed despite my request not to do so because I was breast feeding. I was pretty much left to my own devices after delivery, and advised to get up and walk a bit as soon as I cold. Nurses used a fist to punch deeply into my abdomen to "massage" my uterus back into shape. my son was wheeled into my room to visit me a few times, and I was wheeled into his room to visit him, but I mostly didn't see much of him until the day I was discharged.
HK: In HK, I was connected to a machine that massaged my legs for two days while I wore special leggings to prevent swelling and deep vein thrombosis. No one in the US cared about that, and I remember my legs and feet doubled in size right after birth and was quite uncomfortable. However, this time, I only had swelling in my feet, and that was until I pushed the leggings down to my toes..then I had no swelling at all. The uterus massage the nurses taught me in Hk was considerably a kinder gentler version of the gut mashing I got in the US, and was far more tolerable, while ultimately performing the same job of helping the uterus to shrink back to normal. The nurses tried their best, given extreme circumstances (at night, for example, there is only one nurse to care for over 150 mothers and babies, plus a few other staff), to meet everyone's needs.
Despite the far better ratio of nurse to patient care in the US (1:1 or 1:2), I felt I was generally treated better by most of the staff in HK, with a few exceptions of some people on a total power trip who shouldn't be in the business of caring for others. I also generally felt my wishes were mostly met better in HK. I had asked to BF my daughter right after birth, and they honored that as soon as I was patched up. I asked not to bottle feed while she was away from me, and they also honored that.
Baby care: here the US probably does better, although to be honest, i really didn't get a chance to witness how the babies were cared for by the nurses, but it couldn't possibly have been worse than at TMH. I felt so sorry for those babies. Because the nurse to patient care ratios were so incredibly high, babies were often left to cry until they were screaming in hysterics, and they spent most of the night screaming in hysterics day after day. Meanwhile, their little brains are being hardwired that their cries don't matter and no one is caring for them no matter how they try to call for help. This "let them cry it out" method of care just breaks my heart. I felt very upset and I didn't want my daughter's earliest experiences of care to be that way; so I found ways of "beating the system" so that I was either occupied "breast feeding" or not in the room when it was time for the babies to be returned to the nursery, knowing the staff was far too busy to track me down, or pick her up later.
Food: Equally crappy. In the US, you get to choose what kind of crap you eat from a menu of items whereas in HK, you get what you get. I guess having a choice makes the US hospital better, but only by a hair.
Amenities:
Here the US really outshines HK. I labored in a room all to myself, which had a couch for my husband to sleep and relax on when not attending to me. He was allowed to be with me the entire time. I had my own bathroom which also had a tub and shower in it, which was kept immaculately clean. I could have the lights off, on , or dimmed as I liked. There was a baby bed for the baby (which I never used because Kai was in NICU while we were in the hospital). There was a big screen TV, DVD, and music player to watch videos or play music during labor. All materials (diapers, towels, chux pads, baby hats etc) were provided to me. This was not a fancy hospital; this is rather standard in the US. Anyone and everyone is allowed to visit any time.
in HK, I was expected to provide everything for myself and my baby. There are two public toilets, kept as clean as possible when shared by 100 bleeding women. My room had only 8 women in it, but one of the rooms had about 40 beds. Despite having about 70 beds, there were also cots put in random places anywhere they could fit, as there were far more women delivering than the hospital had capacity for. Many postnatal patients were also put in the antenatal room to help with overflow, so the antenatal room also had cots, and additionally many women there who were low priority had to spend their time on chairs instead of beds. There was one TV which had no sound which played Chinese soap operas. My husband was not allowed to attend the labor or delivery, despite the fact we specifically filled out a request form for this purpose and was approved months earlier.
Cost:
US: every pre-natal visit to the doctor was 100. Blood testing was 300. the shots I had to take for being Rh negative was about 200 I think. the total hospital bill for me and Kai for three days stay was over 60,000 USD. Fortunately, the state of CA picked up the bill as I was still a student at the time and didn't have a job or insurance so I qualified for the SCHIP program/WIC etc. But if I had even had a part time job, I would have had to pay it all. It would have completely bankrupted me. And we had a relatively normal run of the mill birth. All post-natal visits were also about 100.
HK: every pre-natal visit to the doctor was free. Blood testing was free. the shots for being Rh negative cost 150 HKD (about 20 USD) the total hospital bill for Kiara and I for 5 days stay was 650 HKD (not quite 100 USD). We paid the bill in cash and walked out debt-free. all post-natal visits have been free so far. I did have to pay 17 HKD (about 2.50 USD) to get my stitches removed.
If I had unlimited money and resources, I would have wanted a very different birth experience, that's for sure. But given how cheap the health care is in HK, I think the quality of care is rather good. And either way, I ended up with two beautiful babies, so that's what really matters in the end.
Doctors:
US: in the US I had one doctor, Dr. Keith. he respected all my wishes and whenever there was a conflict between me and the evil nurses, he always had my back. He made all the right choices, medically speaking, and helped me safely deliver my son.
HK: During the time I was at TMH, a team of five doctors consulted with each other and me about my "case". One doctor should have her license removed and be banned from medical practice. The other four ranged from very good to phenomenal. Once I realized many of my problems came from the one, I asked her to remove herself from my case and I never saw her again, which greatly improved my quality of care and peace of mind.
Nurses:
US: I disliked every single one of the nurses at CHOMP. They were rude, mean, aggressive, and sometimes downright nasty to me. No one was anything like your image of the nurturing and kind nurse.
HK: (there are three sections: ante natal, delivery, and post natal, and there are specific nurses assigned to each section) Some nurses in the post natal ward clearly didn't like me and there was some racism going on. Other nurses were simply too overworked to be anything but as efficient as possible, meaning they were abrupt, but not purposely trying to be rude. Some of the nurses, though, were simply wonderful. All the nurses in the delivery ward were amazing. I loved loved loved them all.
In both the US and HK, I found some staff to be on some kind of power trip, but this was a bigger issue for me in HK because my cesarean made me far more helpless and in need of care than my regular delivery in the US. For example, there was one nurse in particular who really enjoyed the power she had to deny my repeated requests to go to the bathroom. After a day and a half of begging to be able to relieve myself, either by bedpan or in the toilet, I finally got so angry at her and her inhumane refusal to allow me to meet a basic human need of elimination, I tore off my IV and my leg massager, pushed my bed away from the wall and threw myself off the bed to get to the restroom. Naturally, this caused quite a stir.
After relieving myself and the adrenaline of my temper tantrum wore off, I realized I was in considerable pain in multiple places and bleeding rather badly. However, I proved I was no longer immobile and the catheter, massager, and IV were taken away so i could get up and down myself the rest of the time.
Service and mother care:
In the US, after delivery, my son was bottle fed despite my request not to do so because I was breast feeding. I was pretty much left to my own devices after delivery, and advised to get up and walk a bit as soon as I cold. Nurses used a fist to punch deeply into my abdomen to "massage" my uterus back into shape. my son was wheeled into my room to visit me a few times, and I was wheeled into his room to visit him, but I mostly didn't see much of him until the day I was discharged.
HK: In HK, I was connected to a machine that massaged my legs for two days while I wore special leggings to prevent swelling and deep vein thrombosis. No one in the US cared about that, and I remember my legs and feet doubled in size right after birth and was quite uncomfortable. However, this time, I only had swelling in my feet, and that was until I pushed the leggings down to my toes..then I had no swelling at all. The uterus massage the nurses taught me in Hk was considerably a kinder gentler version of the gut mashing I got in the US, and was far more tolerable, while ultimately performing the same job of helping the uterus to shrink back to normal. The nurses tried their best, given extreme circumstances (at night, for example, there is only one nurse to care for over 150 mothers and babies, plus a few other staff), to meet everyone's needs.
Despite the far better ratio of nurse to patient care in the US (1:1 or 1:2), I felt I was generally treated better by most of the staff in HK, with a few exceptions of some people on a total power trip who shouldn't be in the business of caring for others. I also generally felt my wishes were mostly met better in HK. I had asked to BF my daughter right after birth, and they honored that as soon as I was patched up. I asked not to bottle feed while she was away from me, and they also honored that.
Baby care: here the US probably does better, although to be honest, i really didn't get a chance to witness how the babies were cared for by the nurses, but it couldn't possibly have been worse than at TMH. I felt so sorry for those babies. Because the nurse to patient care ratios were so incredibly high, babies were often left to cry until they were screaming in hysterics, and they spent most of the night screaming in hysterics day after day. Meanwhile, their little brains are being hardwired that their cries don't matter and no one is caring for them no matter how they try to call for help. This "let them cry it out" method of care just breaks my heart. I felt very upset and I didn't want my daughter's earliest experiences of care to be that way; so I found ways of "beating the system" so that I was either occupied "breast feeding" or not in the room when it was time for the babies to be returned to the nursery, knowing the staff was far too busy to track me down, or pick her up later.
Food: Equally crappy. In the US, you get to choose what kind of crap you eat from a menu of items whereas in HK, you get what you get. I guess having a choice makes the US hospital better, but only by a hair.
Amenities:
Here the US really outshines HK. I labored in a room all to myself, which had a couch for my husband to sleep and relax on when not attending to me. He was allowed to be with me the entire time. I had my own bathroom which also had a tub and shower in it, which was kept immaculately clean. I could have the lights off, on , or dimmed as I liked. There was a baby bed for the baby (which I never used because Kai was in NICU while we were in the hospital). There was a big screen TV, DVD, and music player to watch videos or play music during labor. All materials (diapers, towels, chux pads, baby hats etc) were provided to me. This was not a fancy hospital; this is rather standard in the US. Anyone and everyone is allowed to visit any time.
in HK, I was expected to provide everything for myself and my baby. There are two public toilets, kept as clean as possible when shared by 100 bleeding women. My room had only 8 women in it, but one of the rooms had about 40 beds. Despite having about 70 beds, there were also cots put in random places anywhere they could fit, as there were far more women delivering than the hospital had capacity for. Many postnatal patients were also put in the antenatal room to help with overflow, so the antenatal room also had cots, and additionally many women there who were low priority had to spend their time on chairs instead of beds. There was one TV which had no sound which played Chinese soap operas. My husband was not allowed to attend the labor or delivery, despite the fact we specifically filled out a request form for this purpose and was approved months earlier.
Cost:
US: every pre-natal visit to the doctor was 100. Blood testing was 300. the shots I had to take for being Rh negative was about 200 I think. the total hospital bill for me and Kai for three days stay was over 60,000 USD. Fortunately, the state of CA picked up the bill as I was still a student at the time and didn't have a job or insurance so I qualified for the SCHIP program/WIC etc. But if I had even had a part time job, I would have had to pay it all. It would have completely bankrupted me. And we had a relatively normal run of the mill birth. All post-natal visits were also about 100.
HK: every pre-natal visit to the doctor was free. Blood testing was free. the shots for being Rh negative cost 150 HKD (about 20 USD) the total hospital bill for Kiara and I for 5 days stay was 650 HKD (not quite 100 USD). We paid the bill in cash and walked out debt-free. all post-natal visits have been free so far. I did have to pay 17 HKD (about 2.50 USD) to get my stitches removed.
If I had unlimited money and resources, I would have wanted a very different birth experience, that's for sure. But given how cheap the health care is in HK, I think the quality of care is rather good. And either way, I ended up with two beautiful babies, so that's what really matters in the end.
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