Yesterday was Mother's Day. The therapist asked me to write you a letter for Mother's Day, identifying and showing gratitude for everything you did for me. I didn't have time the past two days, but I'm sure you don't mind....after all, It's still Mother's Day in the US for another couple of hours at least.
So here it goes, Mom, the letter I'm sure you had always hoped for, but never got.
Thank you for loving me. You were not a touchy-feely person, but you knew I needed physical touch, and you tried as hard as you could to let me hug you and sit next to you and put my head in your lap and snuggle in bed with you, even though I know you hated it and would rather had had more personal space. I always felt bad that you hated being touched so much, but I've learned that some people just don't need or want to be touched, they get easily "touched out" and I think you often went against your own feelings to go along with my desires to be physically close.
Thank you for all your words of affirmation. Every day you told me I was smart, brave, hard working, beautiful, capable, college bound. When I was in high school I was perplexed when people would ask IF I was going to college. It hadn't even occurred to me I had a choice in the matter. Your daily affirmations that I would go and I would be successful is probably a big part of the reason I never doubted I would be successful, I never doubted I was capable.
Thank you for modeling hard work. You worked all day, came home, and worked all night. Sometimes you had two jobs. When no one would hire you full time, you joined a temp agency and accepted every job that came your way. Sometimes you didn't work, but you still pounded the pavement every day looking for work. When you got sick, you didn't roll over and die, you fought back again and again, and every time a doctor said you have just 24 hours to live, you just kept on living and living. Again and again you passed people's expectations of you.
If people had had higher expectations, imagine how successful you could have been. It's such a shame your parents thought so little of you. Thank you for raising the bar for me and expecting much more. Yet you never were pushy or domineering or obnoxious. Just gentle whispers, gentle nudges, gentle reminders that I'm worth you making the effort, and with a little effort, I could go so much further in life than you did. And of course, mothers are always right!
Thank you for loving me despite how hard I made it to be loved. I was so unhappy, so angry at the world, so aggressive, and I dumped all that on you and blamed you and demanded you do something about it, but in reality you had almost no support of your own. You had no partner, no friends, no money, no time off, no breaks, and very little help from me. As a parent, I can't understand how you survived alone all those years. I have a comfortable salary, a husband, a maid, and i STILL feel I need a break from my kids, as much as I love them. You never took a day off, never took a trip, never walked away, never went on a date or went to the pub or participated in any social event. You came home every night to take care of me.
Thank you for cooking every meal, washing every dish, washing the clothes, despite being so depressed you didn't want to get out of bed most days. At the time, I assumed this is what all mothers did, and maybe they do, but you didn't have to do these things. When I was depressed, I couldn't be bothered. I'm amazed how well you actually functioned as physically and emotionally broken as you were.
Thank you for your dedication to my education. You read to me every day until I was able to read on my own. You might have said "No" to a toy or game, but you always said "Yes" if I asked for a book. I had hundreds of books, three bookshelves of books, thanks to you. You drilled me on spelling so I could get a "100" on the tests. You spent hours and hours reviewing math facts flashcards until I was in 5th? 6th grade? If I couldn't answer a review question in science or social studies, you read my textbook and tried to figure out the answer too and explain it to me, even though in the upper grades it was too hard for you too. So I stopped asking for help by high school so I didn't embarrass you, but I know if I had asked, you would have done your darndest to help.
Thank you for being my advocate. There are so many times you went to bat for me. I remember how I hated 8th grade. The teachers were assholes. They made fun of me in my presence, and behind my back (but my classmates were happy to report back to me what they said about me when I wasn't there.) When they met you, they made fun of you too. I hated them with a passion and failed all my classes. You took time off work to meet them and try to figure out how to help me, and decided they were jerks and tried to request to move me to another team, but they were 10 and you were one and you have never been good in the battlefield. But thank you for trying, and thank you for believing me and my point of view. I also remember the time I got in trouble in high school for something I didn't do and you got my "sentence" of a week of detentions reduced to just that first day. Thank you for standing up and speaking out, when that was against your nature and speaking up was the last thing that came naturally for you.
Thank you for not giving up on me. I was a very difficult child. I had a bad temper, I was moody, I was full of anger, hated the whole world and everyone in it, even as young as 5 or 6. I was not one of those cheerful giggly sweet carefree funny girls. I was mad at you, mad at my father, my grandparents, my bullies, my classmates, my cousins, my neighbors, everyone pissed me off. I was a walking, talking, ball of rage and resentment and you dealt with that with patience and love for 20 years. Many times you said you were going to give me up to child protection, and I'm sure you wanted to. That would have meant freedom for you. Everything in your life would have been better off without me. Yet you never threw in the towel. My 8 year old is also a bit moody and temperamental, without all the hostility and rage I had, and he still drives me nuts. I can't imagine dealing with me 24/7, especially without any relief.
Thank you for being my friend. I didn't have many of those. I think that parents shouldn't be their children's friend while they are children. Friends know things that children should not know. But I certainly needed a friend many times and you stepped in and filled that role, even though you were already the cook, the maid, the disciplinarian, the tutor, the breadwinner, the handyman, the coach, the chauffeur, the nurse, the mother, and the father. But I needed a friend, so you took that role too.
Thank you for being my shield. Many times you stood between me and my grandparents, sometimes physically, and protected me from their attacks. Or protect them from mine? That must have been incredibly hard. You depended on them for financial and emotional support, and they were all you really had. They fed us, clothed us, shoed us, provided warmth when we had no heat, a shower when we had no water, a place to wash clothes for free. But they were mean and hateful and felt we deserved to be abused because they took care of us. I hated them for their spite and malice, and they hated me for my ingratitude, and we were like fire and oil. You needed them, you loved me, but I had a temper and they were mean nasty bat shit crazy assholes, and holding us all together so that we could live in relative peace most of the time must have been the greatest challenge of your life.
Thank you for living. Thank you for getting out of bed each day to work when I know that was the last thing you wanted to do. You hated your life, you were so depressed, and all you wanted to do was die. I didn't understand how you felt or what you meant until I had postpartum depression myself and truly experienced how dark and horrid depression really is. When you got sick and the hospital offered you a "do not resuscitate" wrist band, you must have felt this was your "get out of jail free" card. You must have been thrilled. But you changed your mind when Uncle Ray and I flipped out, because you just couldn't leave me so easily. Even though you really really wanted to. Several times, you could have died, should have died, doctor's couldn't believe you didn't die, but you bounced back because you couldn't leave me. Everything you did was for me. You didn't go until I got married. It was so important to you that I not be left alone. Your whole life, even your death, was devoted to what was best for me, as much as you could. I can't imagine another person devoting their whole existence for one single person like you did.
Mom, I know if you had had more resources, you would have done so much more. I can't imagine how I would deal if I had as little as you had. I appreciate what you did and how hard you tried.
I know you will never read this. I wish there was a phone in heaven so I could call you and read this to you. I'm sorry I never told you how I appreciated your many sacrifices. I don't think there are many people in the world who would care for their child as devotedly as you did if their life was so difficult, they had so few resources, and their child was as hard to raise as I was. I'm sure you died so young partially because of the stress I gave you, and I'm so sorry I did that to you when you have always been so good to me. I love and miss you very much. I know you would have been the best grandmother ever.
Happy mother's day. I hope you are so happy and full of joy now. You deserve it.
