update: Buck up, and get a grip

Last night I went to a private doctor about an hour away to get another opinion on the health of my baby.  I explained to her the the heart beat had been fabulous for 37 weeks and I couldn't understand why it was such a problem now and wasn't there a possibility the problem was with equipment/over anxiety/medical profession need to cut people up driving this issue more than a genuine medical issue? 

I explained I REALLY HATE the thought of getting a c-section, hate it more than words can express, and am willing to undergo whatever procedure necessary to prove we are both strong and healthy enough to have a natural unaugmented birth. 

the doctor looked at me and said, "I'm going to be totally honest with you.  you are obese.  Cesareans are extremely dangerous for obese women for a variety of reasons, much more dangerous for both baby and mother than a natural birth.  Trust me, NO doctor in Hong Kong wants to perform a C-section on someone like you.  You are very high risk for this procedure, and so especially NO doctor in the PUBLIC hospitals want to be the ones to perform your cesarean..it will be longer, harder, riskier, and they won't get paid more for it.  If a group of four doctors in  a PUBLIC hospital are recommending you to get one, they are doing so despite knowing how hard it's going to be for them to perform one." 

I couldn't help myself, and started to cry a bit.  it was so not what I wanted to hear.  But I knew I needed to hear it. On the one hand, it did make me feel better that the doctors weren't being knife-happy cowboys licking their chops at the thought of getting to cut me open.  they were advising me to let them do something they didn't want to do any more than i wanted them to do it. 

On the other hand, i hadn't considered the thought that my cesarean would be any more dangerous than any one else's, but it makes sense.  having to slice through a layer of fat makes it easier to make a mistake and cut too deeply or cut the wrong thing, it makes the sewing up process harder and longer and more at risk of infection.  i will require more anesthesia, which brings a host of it's own complications.  i was scaring myself silly imagining all the things that could go wrong and I started to feel so sorry for myself i couldn't hold back the waterworks. 

then she asked me to hop up on the bed/table thingy and we can at least have a look.  As i suspected, her equipment was significantly more sophisticated then what they had at Tuen Mun public Hosp and I was even allowed to see the baby for myself (somthing the public hosp couldn't be bothered with showing me, despite requests to see for myself)  and i even got pics, something TMH doesn't give out to patients. 

After some time, she told me they were right; the quality and amount of the fluid in the sac was poor and the heartbeat irregular and combined, that indicated a serious enough problem to warrant a cesarean, rather than risk the baby having a cardiac arrest in the middle of labor.  Again, NOT what I wanted to hear. 

She also advised me to schedule one in advance, rather than wait for an emergency cesarean, because in an emergency, I'll be stuck with whomever is on duty at the time, versus a scheduled procedure where they will probably try to find a doctor with a good long record of successful high risk cesareans to take me, to reduce the personal risk to me ( and to the hospital). 


I left feeling awful, worried, and so sorry for myself.  But also more at peace with the procedure, that it really truly is in the best interest of the baby.  My son taught me long ago that it's not about me anyway.  it hasn't been about me for 6 years, and it's not about me now.  I need to buck up, suck it up, and get a grip. 

I need to make a plan and figure out what it will all mean after the procedure is done.  breastfeeding will be significantly harder because we will be separated while I'm being sewed up, and they will be performing diagnostics to see if the heart problem is self-correctable or will need further medical intervention.  She will probably be given a bottle by the nurses at some point.  i know where this road leads.  To combat it, I'm going to have to work very hard, even though it's harder to hold a baby when recovering from a cesarean, harder to get around, harder to do everything the first few weeks.  I need to prepare myself for that, literally, and mentally.

I have another diagnostic appointment at TMH on Monday.  if they tell me I need a c-section, I will accept this advice and do what I have to do.

Finally, the private doctor was able to determine something no one at the public hospital could tell me:  the baby's gender.  So I finally know, just literally days before she is born, that she is, indeed, a girl.