Hong Kong people are really quite kind. I have been wondering what motivates them to be so kind to strangers. I have observed far more acts of random kindness here than anywhere else I have ever lived.
Everywhere in the world, everyone (or most everyone) is kind to family and friends. That's a given. These are the the people you love. You love them, so you are kind to them.
Yet, it is much more rare to see true acts of kindness among strangers. In fact, I remember in the 1990s when I was in college (yikes!) my Social Psych teacher contended that true altruism didn't exist, because everyone has an external motivation to be kind and we had a raging battle about this.
In America, acts of kindness to strangers come in three basic flavors:
1. it is your job (police, nurse, teacher, fire fighter) to serve the public ( some people just take this more seriously than others)
2. You are trying to convert the stranger to your religion, and this is step one. And/or you feel you are being directed by your religious leaders to be kind to bank "good person points" (this is actually also part of #3, but its so prevalent it really deserves its own place on the list)
3. you have an ulterior motive ( it's good business PR, you need a favor in return, you want to appear heroic or kind to others, etc)
Every reason for kindness, is externally motivated in that there is another reason to be kind. In in all honestly, when people have no particular reason to be kind, they aren't. So her assertion is completely true in the US context.
In Japan, I was told, directly, that Japanese are the superior race. Mabo, for all he jokes about being physically superior to me (my blue eyes and fair skin are more sensitive to the sun than his, etc) does to some extent buy into this deep rooted national belief that everyone not Japanese is slightly mentally and physically disabled. They feel sorry for us much like one takes pity on those with Downs Syndrome or a stray dog.
This came up often when Japanese people, out of "kindness" to the foreigners, would only ever give me forks and spoons in restaurants because white people are incapable of handling chopsticks. Or who would talk to me like a child in slow exaggerated speech out of kindness that I probably couldn't understand more than a two year old, because whites simply "can't learn Japanese" for it is far too hard for our feeble brains.
Japanese pride themselves on being very kind people. But there is always this feeling that they are kind because their fear social isolation if they are unkind, or they are kind out of pity.
In France, everyone is pretty much on their own. I can't recall anyone being particularly kind or unkind. Well, if you call getting rotten food thrown at you unkind, but the West Africans in the complex where I lived were angry and disenfranchised and I lived there just before the Paris "riots" and just after the McD's bombing so there was alot of hostility to go around. The regular French were doing their own thing and let me do my own thing. Life there was kind of a draw.
In Hong Kong, I have never been made to feel like the acts of kindness I observe are anything but just acts of kindness. Any person on a train or bus who is carrying a sleeping child gets a seat. Anyone who is clearly elderly gets a seat. Pregnant women get a seat. people with crutches or some kind of issue get a seat. Small children get seats. They dont have to ask. They dont have to wait. when they get on, someone automatically hops off. No matter what time of day, how tired, or how far the trip, someone always hops off.
Kai is always given a seat, as am I, but I always refuse. I know they are wondering if I am pregnant, and I wouldn't want to take advantage of that for my own comfort.
In Japan, no old person would ever give up a seat to a younger person, no matter what their situation. They have paid their dues. Now everyone owes them. They do whatever they want, no matter how it inconveniences others. But I have seen older grandparently types give their seats to Kai and to others more in need than they. How need is determined, I don't know, but they have their method.
We saw a young teen (or early 20's) girl holding an umbrella for a grandfatherly person yesterday. Mabo was impressed. He is very sure he never saw that in Japan or America.
In HK, kindness means they bring chopsticks and forks and let me choose whichever one I want. They bring both a Chinese and an English menu and let me choose the one I want to order from.
Yesterday, at a very local place where they had no English menu, they simply put a little of everything on a plate and showed it to me so I could point to what I wanted to order. It was so cute and funny!
And even if they don't know English, and I haven't learned much Chinese at this point, they still talk to me like an adult and I talk to them like an adult and somehow we get our points across. Or we don't. In which case we both laugh and try again or leave it alone.
Whatever else I think about Hong Kong, I do sincerely believe they try harder to be kind, genuinely kind, than any other place I have ever lived.
I wonder what my Social Psych teacher would say about that?
Wow, I have to say that the Hong Kong I live in sounds nothing like the Hong Kong you're writing about here. I've been pregnant twice in this city and used to have to travel a ton for my job (a 1-hour to 90-minute commute by public transport was normal for almost every day of the week) and I've seen some of the most rude and self-serving people in the world right here in Hong Kong. Hong Kong is routinely voted in the top-10 rudest cities in the world by a Reader's Digest poll (at least--I think there is at least one other study that notes the same). And HK people often are really motivated by "ulterior" motives--such as not losing face in public (shaming them into giving a pregnant woman a seat is often the only way to make them stop playing their PSP and get up) and when it comes to charity it's really about racking up points for the afterlife (this is a city with a strong Buddhist background, you'll have to remember and you do get "points" for those nice things). HK people truly do believe "me and my own and the rest be damned." If a person is not related to you, there is no reason for you to go out of your way to do anything for that person--that's a part of the belief system here. And the people who do a almost seen as "freakishly saint-like." Like, "Whoa, who do you think you're trying to be? Mother Theresa?"
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree that people in the US do kind things for ulterior motives--at least not in my part of the US--kindness is the norm and people are kind because it's normal to be kind. If you break down alongside the road, multiple cars will stop to help you. If you dial a wrong number, you may actually have a short conversation with the person. I can't say that about every place in the US but I think it's unfair to say that people in the US are kind for ulterior reasons--this hasn't been my experience at all.
But, those same "sweet old ladies" you see walking around in HK--I've had one of those take a whack at my infant son in his stroller with their cane. I've seen a woman pass out on a bus and no one offered her a seat until my husband, carrying a 3-month-old "forced" someone to give up their seat. I fainted on a bus when I was about 5 months pregnant with my son and when my husband asked a woman to give up her seat for me because I was unwell she cursed at him. I've seen disabled people in wheelchairs wait for 15 minutes for the lift while able-bodied people crowded in front of them because they were too lazy to walk 3 feet to the escalator. And I even have asked those people, "What do you do when this happens?" Their reply has been, "What can we do? This is life in Hong Kong."
And even today, I had to blatantly ask many people to give up a seat for me on the train (after standing in front of them for a full 5-10 minutes) because I was exhausted and my back was hurting, oh and I'm 5 months pregnant.
So, I do hope that you'll continue to experience the version of HK that you're currently seeing but just know that for many people--foreign and local, HK is a terrible place to be when it comes to politeness--especially if you happen to be old, pregnant or handicapped in any way. Just the design of the MTR systems and buildings in this city (notice the lack of provision of handicap accessibility in most public buildings) tells you the priority anyone with needs in this city has.
Ugh.
You have been in HK for several years and have had many more experiences than I have had. As I've said before in other places, I'm new, so I don't claim to be an authority, but this is what I have observed so far.
ReplyDeleteI have lived in several cities on the East Coast and several on the West Coast, and I promise you I have NEVER experienced anything like you experienced growing up in the midwest. I feel pretty confident in speaking for my friends that they probably haven't ever had a conversation with a wrong number nor have they felt kindness to strangers in the way you describe it. I have been broken down on the road many times and NEVER had anyone stop to help out. OK, Once, but only because I was smack in the middle of an intersection and they wanted me out of the way.
IN any case, I take your point that the midwest is very different culturally from California and New England, so making a blanket statement that altruism is dead in the US ignores potential pockets of kindness found in small towns and tight communities sprinkled across the country.
And I'm sure if I had any real needs, I would probably experience some of the frustrations you have. Because I don't have any real needs, I don't notice more selfish acts. But I truly have experienced some interesting acts of kindness here, so it really depends on who is around you when things happen.